why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
