well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
