Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
