just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize