you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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