I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sorry about my life...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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