my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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