dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
