Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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