there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
