between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have feelings that need drinking.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
