my sisters under your porch take her home
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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