I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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