some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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