Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
