i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
