so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
