Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my being single is dangerous.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
