The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
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