His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
