i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
