how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
