I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
