i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
