remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
