drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
