Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
