i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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