A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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