Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
smell my finger.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
