I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
