just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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