fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
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