So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
