"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
