Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
