My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dignity is for republicans.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
