Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
