I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize