Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
