So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
