is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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