Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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