you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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