Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
