It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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