[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize