i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize