There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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