Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
