Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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