90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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