I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
