Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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