So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
