Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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