I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
3 2 1 whiskey
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
